Mr. Lover

(This story was inspired by the hilarious #UnRomanticRhymes on Twitter and because someone threatened to shoot me with an arrow through a bad place - let's say I'd like to be able to sit again - if I didn't!! Thank you! ;)

Cupid straightened the string on his bow and almost didn’t look at his target. His job was getting more and more boring every day. And he should know, he had been Cupid for centuries! He took one last look at the arrow in his right hand as he softly pulled it back. It was handmade and carried the essence of Mr. X. Cupid knew this because the name was softly carved on the back of the arrow. The essence was actually the hard part, it was so onerous to embed an arrow with human essence that it took a God to accomplish it. Cupid’s eyes never left the arrow as it sprang to life and soared towards Miss Y. Maybe he had been doing this for too many centuries. Maybe it was the northern wind coming through the office window. Maybe it was the paper clip's fault. It fell from Miss Y’s hand and she bent to pick it up just as the arrow flew over her head, narrowly missing her ear, and glided through the open window and into Mr. W’s neck. Maybe he had just gotten sloppy.

An ode to your eyes / The color of poo / And also your hair / Is shit-colored too! (‏@anisky)

Mr. W felt a little twinge on his neck as his boss was passing by his desk. He was happily married, as happy as you could be when you’re freshly married and your wife is hot and quite intelligent. His life was going according to plan until he saw his boss walking by and noticed how well the man’s jeans fitted his body. And how muscular he appeared to be. He sat still for a moment as he realised: he had just turned his neck to check out Mr. X! What was happening to him?! He felt a sudden urge to dress nicer. And maybe pluck his eyebrows... He hastily stood up and headed outside to catch some fresh air, but his boss intercepted him and directed him to his office for a five-minute meeting. Mr. W shut his wandering eyes and tried to act casually as his boss’s toned body marvelled him and made it difficult to understand a word of what was being said.

Valentine's Day during Lent/ Makes no kinds of sense/ Because September births/ Prove Catholics don't follow abstinence (@LizJRice)

Maybe he could still get that arrow and shoot it again. Maybe there was a chance he hadn’t blown centuries of work and he still could get his well deserved century-long sabbatical. It was the first time he’d missed a target, and he didn’t even understand how it had happened! He didn’t have much time to think about it, in any case. The best course of action was to ask for divine intervention.

“What brings you here, Cupid?”
“I find it weird that you feel the need to ask when you are omnipresent.”
“Everybody lies.”
“I’ve heard that before. Have I messed up those people’s lives beyond return? Is there anything I can do to fix it? I can’t believe I turned a heterossexual into a homossexual – I didn’t even know that was possible! I thought the arrows just enhanced the feelings that were already there to help launch a true relationship...”
“And that’s exactly how it works; that man already had feelings for his boss. The arrow just erased his denial of the whole situation. He would have been married for a couple more years and then fall in love with a man and move on. You just accelerated the whole process.”
“Thank God! I mean...”
“You’re welcome.”
“What do I do now?”
“You finish your job. If you’re still interested in that sabbatical, that is.”

Cupid rushed to Mr. W’s office and looked around, but there was no arrow in sight. Sighing, he opened up his senses in order to hear everybody’s thoughts and check whether anyone had seen anything suspicious. He really hated doing that. People’s thoughts were extremely boring (as everyone had realised since the advent of Facebook) and today of all days there was a lot of unrequited love, too many visions of naked bodies and mental notes to make dinner reservations and write Valentine’s cards. And for God’s sake, roses are red and that much is true, but violets are purple and not f***ing blue!! He finally caught someone who thought Mr. W was acting particularly weird that day. He shut his mind to the awful torrent of cheesy thoughts around him and headed towards Mr. X’s office. Mr. X was trying to talk about last month’s sales and failing miserably, since he was continuously distracted by Mr. W’s furtive glances at his nether regions. Cupid shook his head to clear away the image of Mr. X and Mr. W wearing spandex whilst dancing salsa and focused on the arrow: it was still hanging from Mr. W’s neck. He retrieved it with a quick swipe and hurried towards Miss Y’s office. He could still fix this.

Your beauty is stunning/ Your visage like Venus/ We'd better get running/ My wife may have seen us (@ScrapperFerret)

Mrs. W couldn’t believe it. She had been married for only two months and was already considering having an affair with her swimming instructor. Her husband was a good guy and she’d thought she’d love him for the rest of their lives, but lately she was seeing him in a different light. He was still the man she had fallen in love with, but there was something more to him that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. On the other hand, the lack of passion seemed to make him comfortable, which was extremely disturbing. And to make matters even worse, every man on the planet seemed to be interested in her except her husband and her swimming instructor. She clearly had issues. As ever, the class ended too soon and as she was gathering courage to talk to her instructor, her phone rang. It was her husband. He said he wasn’t feeling well and needed to talk to her. She felt her Valentine’s day was going down the drain: sick husband and no extra swimming classes. When she left the showers her husband hadn’t arrived yet, so she sat on a plastic chair in the pool’s café and took out her phone to check twitter. To her surprise, her instructor saw her and sat across from her. She immediately hid her phone, switched on her most winsome smile and asked him if he wanted a drink – her treat. He smiled casually at her and they talked for a few minutes until Mr. W arrived. Mrs. W barely recognised her handsome husband: he looked like a ghost, sweat was running down his forehead and his shirt wasn’t tucked into his trousers. This last observation was really shocking; he probably only had a few days left to live.

“Sweetie, what happened?!”
“I’m not feeling well... I think I may have caught a weird virus, the flu maybe.”
“You don’t look good. We’d better go home, I’ll drive.”

Mr. W hadn’t realised his wife had company until she said something to the person in front of her as she got up. He finally moved to acknowledge the person’s presence, and sparks flew when their eyes met. Mrs. W stopped in her tracks as understanding finally dawned. She could see the colour returning to her husband’s face, how his eyes started sparkling, and the slight tremor in his hand as he put it forward. It was also the first time her instructor seemed genuinely interested in anyone, and she noted he received her husband’s hand between his two. She didn't know what to think, but there was no way her marriage could be salvaged. On the bright side, she’d probably be the last woman in her husband’s life... and maybe she didn’t have issues after all.

Your words are so sweet/ Your love effervescent/ But you can't make me feel as good/ As my anti-depressants (@newageamazon)

Miss Y took a deep breath, got up, and decided she was brave enough. She could talk to Mr. X and ask him a personal question even though he was her boss. She could do this! After all, what did she have to lose? Except her job, of course. She tried to look relaxed, straightened her back and walked the few meters that separated them, as Cupid arrived on the scene.

“Sorry to bother you Mr. X, but I can’t help but notice you seem upset. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Mr. X raised his eyes and couldn’t believe his luck. There she was in all her loveliness, asking him if she could help. He was so flabbergasted that he couldn’t even remember if he did have a problem. “Upset? Uh, no.... I, I don’t think so.”

She waited a few seconds and since he didn’t seem inclined to elaborate on his answer, she felt dismissed. And with dismissal came a pang to her heart. Her eyes dropped to the carpet, and her shoulders stooped, losing all her good posture. Cupid didn’t have time to swing his bow round from his back, so he closed one eye, took aim, and threw the arrow as hard as he could. He held his breath as the missile travelled through the air and the only muffled word that came out of his mouth was a really bad one as he watched it miss Miss Y. Again. In his defense, he had never been any good at darts, and the chocolate muffin the arrow had buried itself in did look good. Mr. X’s hand suddenly sprang to life, shooting out to grab Miss Y’s arm and prevent her from leaving. The gesture surprised her and she was a little startled when he started speaking again.

“But since you are here, err... do you think maybe – only if you have nothing else to do because I don’t want to bother you in any way – but I was thinking... would you like to go out with me sometime?”
“YES!!”

She chastised herself for replying so loud and so eagerly, but he seemed to think it was somewhat normal. He probably had women falling at his feet all the time. They finally engaged in conversation and it didn’t take Cupid to see the happiness pouring out of them. Cupid finally allowed himself to breathe again. All was well with the world, he could already picture himself wearing that flashy hawaiian shirt he’d bought a few years ago. A hundred years would pass in a hurry, but he was determined to make the most of them.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Cupid, touch me again and I'll kill you.

“You deserve your sabbatical Cupid, use your time wisely.”
“Thank you, sir! I have a lot of ideas on how to use my hard-earned break.”
“Not all of them wise...” Cupid couldn't help but blush a little. “Oh, and since you’re wondering about her fate, ex-Mrs. W will end up alone and quite happy about it.”

Cupid smiled. He had seen a lot in his very long life, and he still thought she was the smartest of them all. As usual, the Almighty was still eavesdropping on his brain.

“Yes, she is a wise one.” Cupid tried hard not to think bad things about other people not respecting his privacy as God went on. “But she won’t be the gayest one in Berlin around June...”

Cupid couldn’t help laughing. He had seen Mr. W dancing down the street in a barely-there costume during the Berlin Pride parade. He had also seen him fighting for his rights at several other demonstrations. Mr. W had been given a new chance at life and he’d taken it with both hands. Still, Cupid didn’t quite understand the point of his arrow, since everything ended up turning out fine without his influence – a Valentine’s mystery perhaps. The Almighty had been roaming the Universe for a gazillion years, but his sense of humour never faltered. Actually, it was a shame humans didn’t realise it. Destiny, fate and very odd coincidences all seemed to point to it. Cupid thought it was rather obvious that someone had to be having a “hell” of a good time watching them from above. How could they not see it?

“Free will is a bitch!”

The Almighty did it again!

Being single on V-Day/ Is no reason to scoff/ Because tomorrow the candy/ Will be 50% off. (@themindstream)