terça-feira, outubro 09, 2012

Drunk checklist

Are men from “Yeah, so what?” and women from “Dear God, why?” - Rachel Thompson

Yesterday I was riding a bike on my way home after a big football match. I was literally riding against a blue- and maroon-dressed tide, most of which was composed of dishevelled men carrying giant flags. And yet finding a place to keep their wallet is always an issue! Some men were drunk - not exactly the greatest revelation since the catalans were accused of killing Jesus Christ - and couldn’t really focus on me or the bike. But still, two guys went out of their way, “thinking” it was an opportunity as good as any to a begin a beautiful friendship with me. Or maybe something entirely different. I swerved out of their way since it was clear they couldn’t outrun the bike, or stand properly for that matter. Maybe my chances would have been slimmer if they'd been sober, but then I’d like to believe they’d keep their distance from a moving bike. As I cycled on, I couldn’t help but think that it is our duty to provide men with good advice. And said advice should be stamped on alcoholic beverages in huge letters, such as: “Slurred speech is not attractive and you already look awful because you’re drunk and we’re not. Sincerely, sober girls.” I firmly believe this kind of notice would bring more couples together than moderate drinking warnings. Maybe.

But then I refocused on a more pressing matter: how the hell did they know I was a girl?! My hair was up in a ponytail and even though I was going slow, there is no way they could have seen me properly before they decided to move in my direction. I can only imagine their few surviving neuronal cogs slowly spurring back to life in order to attempt an answer to the larger-than-life question: “Are those boobs?”. This was probably followed by a big smile and the meaningful thought “I sure hope so!”. Then finally the moving blob was possibly identified as someone of the opposite gender and the whole drunk magnificence is led to believe that there is indeed a bra in the equation. And if he is lucky, it could even be a girl!!

I made a list of all the stuff I like about you. Well, I’ll skip down. ‘Cause the first six are all body parts. - Jimmy Fallon

Thinking it over, this process doesn’t seem to be efficient at all. It may work because women are a majority on this side of the planet, but I bet some not so interesting discoveries are awaiting some men in the afterglow. And trust me, I'm not talking of something good like breakfast in bed, more like the prospect of fleeing to another continent to get away from the shame. So drunk men are probably using a few more items on their checklist besides bra size, and I hope long hair isn't one of them - it’s easy to imagine some guy with long fair curly hair and a hairless face that is momentarily enhanced to Miss Venezuela features by a drunk brain. As a friend put it: Drunk people see further because they see beauty everywhere. It’s a gift, not a problem. Not sure I agree, but if it turns out to be a guy with long hair my best advice is to just smile and wave, boys! And... well, this is turning out to be a really short list! Hum, I’m missing the voice - as in vocal chords, not the TV show. If the pretty girl you saw from afar turns out to have a bass voice and some sort of bristle going on, maybe you should rethink your approach. And get the hell out of the way! Which is actually my main point: if I’m sober and you’re not, why don’t you just move out of the way? Why?...

4 comentários:

  1. I can say to you from personal experience long hair seems to be a good hint, for most man (drunk or not). My pirate stage like I had my share of nice whistles...well until they saw my beard...

    But in the name of man (drunk or not), I shall apologize for the stalking side.

    1. That doesn't sound like a good experience... Hum, and I actually know how it feels! Except for the beard part - I just might start growing one! :P Apology accepted ;)

    2. Nice entry. Well boobs are always the right answer.. Another good explanation is the fact that drunk guys talk to people while imagining others.. It is well plausible that they were talking not to a brunet on a bicycle but to a blond with high heels. And the bicycle was indeed a white horse. Just saying..

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